Overheard in the Kindergarten Classroom

Gap-toothed little boy, showing me a crayon rendering of his family home, "This is my room, this is the baby's room, this is my mom's room."

Then, pointing below the green spiky grass, "And this is my dad's room. He has his own room in the basement. It has a brown rug."

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Me, helping a little cutie shop for valentines at the school store, "Ok. You have one for your mom, one for your dad and one for your aunt. Now, your list says you need to buy one more. For your grandpa."

Li'l Cutie: "I don't think he wants a valentine. He's dead."

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Precocious kid wearing Star Wars tee, "My mom used to have a job. Now she is retired. She doesn't do anything."

Pink-Headband Girl sitting across table, "Yeah. My mom doesn't do anything either. Except go shopping."

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Scary food for thought: What do the twins say when I'm not there?

Overheard

Tomorrow is my turn to plan a Seminary game. I turn to my spouse for creative inspiration. "Hey Brad," I ask. "What was your favorite thing to play when you were a seminary student?"

Without hesitation, he says, "Spin the Bottle."

Not surprising. Not helpful either.

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Sam at dinner table, "Ewwww. Do NOT get your eyeball juice on me again, Emmie!"

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A little brother with a secret is a dangerous thing. Luke helped me pick out a surprise DVD to watch on our Thanksgiving roadtrip. Of course, he could not contain his excitement and started giving broad hints to his oldest brother.

"OK, OK! I'll just give you the first two letters.... U and P."

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In line, at the H1N1 vaccination station, I heard a kindergartner mention my twins to his mom. I couldn't see him pointing, but I knew he was talking about us.

"Look, Mom!" he said. "Those boys are twins and they ride my bus. That one is the nice one. And that one is the mean one."

For the record, so far, nobody has 'fessed up to being the Mean One.

But I have my suspicions.

It Must Be Time for Botox...

Conversation this morning while combing Em's hair into pigtails:


Me: Wow, Emmie. I can't believe you are turning eight this week. You're getting so grown up.

Em: Do you remember when you were eight?

Me: Yep. I remember my friends and my teacher and even the cute boy who sat next to me.

Em: It was Dad, huh?

Me: No, I didn't know Dad back then. This boy's name was John.

Em: Oh! I know! John the Baptist, right?!

Motherhood moments like these are a study in conflicting emotions: pride that my daughter knows important Biblical characters, shock that she thinks I was actually hanging out with them.

Advice

If your husband has had a stress-filled week and you want to give him a really memorable birthday gift, try thinking outside the box. Look for a present designed to make him feel cool, masculine and special.

One suggestion: Do some fancy ice-driving stunts he can enjoy from the reflection of his own rear-view mirror. Then, wipeout and crack the right front wheel off the driveshaft. He will feel oh-so-cool as he stands in the snow waiting for the tow truck. He will feel masculine using words like axel and control-arm with the mechanic. And he will feel very special as he gets a one-of-a-kind birthday ride home with an obliging police officer. Total cost: $4500.

Happy Birthday, Babe!

Five Reasons Why I Cannot Be Trusted Around Chocolate Today

1. An entire morning spent at the pediatric dentist. The following words were used: Cavities. Overbite. Crossbite. Fillings. Orthodontia. Extractions. Return appointments. Payment Plans.


2. A Christmas card from a long-lost friend and her photographic family. She looks good. Really good. Better-than-high-school good. Am I a Grinch to wish that Santa would bring her a big lump of cellulite and a double chin like the rest of us?


3. Local law enforcement has decided that since my husband so enjoyed his Father's Day speeding ticket (delivered via wife), they would stop me AGAIN and send him another one. Merry Christmas, Babe!


4. The November tickle in my throat has turned into a full-scale December cough. My bladder is taking it personally. 'Nuf said.


5. Look at the calendar, people!

Phew!

I guess if YOU guys didn't notice... maybe the 30 women at the school bake sale, the 16 parents at Visit Second Grade Day, the 22 moms at nursery school drop-off, and the 5 people behind me in line at the grocery store didn't either.

Or else they just think I'm some crazy Mormon shoplifter.

Mummy's Tour of Terror

Who needs to pay big bucks to visit a haunted house? I've got plenty of nightmares right here at home...

Wanna see somethin' slimy? Smell somethin' foul?

Just open the crisper...you'll scream and you'll howl.

Notice the details? Like the gum on the floor

Our li'l monsters left it there for your enjoyment and horror!

(Dumb Mummy gives her kids gum to be oh-so-cool...

She thinks she's a phan, but she's really a phool!)

Next, come into the bathroom and see the trick mirrors...

they add wrinkles and pimples and reduce you to tears!

Still feeling brave? Well, isn't that great?!

Step on this torture device...it adds 10 pounds extra weight!

Now, whatever in THIS room could give you the chills?

Look close on that desk...some spine-tingling bills!

(And when the man of the house sits down to write checks, he'll

Turn from nice Mr. Hyde to a crazed Dr. Jekyll...)

This door looks quite tame, right? Well, the worst ones all do...

What's hiding behind it?

Watch out! The kid's loo...

The floor is so scuzzy--slicked up for the kill.

And if the smell doesn't getcha, the big laundry piles will!

And last stop's the calendar, just so you'll remember...

only 49 shopping days left until the BIG DAY this December.

Got Goosebumps?

And You Can Quote Me On That...

I got quoted on Blogtations.com .

Next up, world domination!

Megabites

Four-year-old: "Mom, can I have a laptop for lunch?"

Mom: "A laptop? For lunch? That sounds yukky..."

Four-year-old: "No, Mom...a STRAWBERRY laptop."

(Helpful twin brother points to the box.)

Mom: "Ohhhhh...you mean a Pop Tart?"

Toaster pastry. Portable computer. Guilty pleasures, completely addictive.

I can see how he'd get them mixed up!

Liquid Miracle

"See, Mom? If we drink this it will help us ride our bikes without training wheels!"--my four-year-old.

"Yeah! And our wheels will even turn into lemons!"--my other four-year-old.

Silly boys!

There's no such thing as a miracle juice pouch...

(However, they oughta SEE the miracles I can perform after a can of diet soda and a few peanut M&Ms...Wowza!)

A Bountiful Harvest

Sam: "Hey...look at our vegetables! We're growing lettuce, tomatoes and bikinis..."

CaveMom

Conversation at the breakfast table:

Me (in an effort to encourage appreciation & gratitude): You know, when I was a little girl, we didn't have cell phones or Wii games and we couldn't pause live tv.

Incredulous child: Did you have a computer? What about a GPS?

Know-it-all child: No, silly! They didn't even have paper back then.

Me: Actually paper was invented when I was in second grade, I was so happy I didn't have to scratch my homework on a rock anymore.

Incredulous child: Did they have bricks?

Impatient me: Umm...yes.

Innocent Child (quickly losing "favorite" status): What about the stuff BETWEEN bricks? What about soil?

This is the problem with children. Even if you're NOT older than soil, they make you feel like you are...

Bruiser

St. Paddy's Day brawl? Or Family Home Evening fun?

Well...at our house they are one and the same.

(Please. Don't get me wrong. I love FHE and if you don't participate...you should. Just stay away from the coffee table during Freeze Tag!)

Special Request

Each of my kids has their own personal lullaby. I sing it to them every night without fail.

Jake's is Mighty Like a Rose . Em's is Emily, of course. Luke's is Baby's Boat and Sam always wants I am a Child of God.

Tonight I promised Jake two lullabies if he beat me up to his room. (He did.)

His first request was the usual...and after much thought, he wanted this for his second choice:

Sweet dreams!

Gee, Thanks!

Me, to my 3-year-old, after his bath: "Mmmmmmm! You smell so fresh and clean!"

3-yr-old, after sniffing me back: "Mmmmmm! You smell so nice and ...BROWN!"

(I was wearing a brown sweater. I hope that's what he meant...)

Have You Seen This?

If you are a mom, have a mom or know a mom...you have to laugh at this! Thanks to my buddy, Karen, for sending my way.

True Lies

I loved this idea from Christie. Write two versions of your life for your alumni newsletter: which one do you think rings true?

THE TRUTH VERSION:

After graduation, Gab set out to make the world a better place. She started by teaching youngsters to read and write and supported her new husband in his budding career. The newlyweds enjoyed an 8 year honeymoon--seeing the world and investing in real estate. Spreading their wings and landing in a new home back East, the happy lovebirds feathered their luxurious nest and soon welcomed four baby birdies into their world.

Almost 9 years later, the little nest has become a buzzing hive as the four busy bees have developed talents and interests of their own! Soccer, swimteam, gymnastics, piano, Cubscouts, horseback riding, dance classes, and church activities provide opportunities for fun and friendship.

Gab uses her education background to provide wholesome, homemade memories for her family. She enjoys preparing healthy meals, attending parent-teacher conferences and receiving long-distance phone calls from her husband.


THE TRUTH-THE-WHOLE-TRUTH-AND-NOTHING-BUT-THE-TRUTH VERSION:

After graduation, Gab took the first teaching job she could get. Her co-teacher hated all young professionals--especially those who wore makeup/were married and/or did not know every single line of "The Hobbit" by heart. Gab cried almost every day, until she was transferred to a different school.

When she was not crying about her job, Gab was crying at her fertility...or lack thereof. She spent most of her free time, money and husband's patience obsessing about dye-tests, basal body temperatures and the unfairness of the universe.

Many years, dollars and intra-muscular injections later, Gab did indeed become mother to four amazing kids. The fact that each child is a miracle has been quite helpful in keeping them each alive as they have: barbered their own hair, ruined 3 car stereos, broken family heirlooms and flushed semi-precious jewelry down the toilet.

Gab has come to grips with the reality that she will never: wear a size 2, finish her children's scrapbooks, be happy with her husband's travel schedule, have all three levels of the house clean at once, or enjoy stitchery.

This year, Gab's greatest accomplishments have been starting a blog and potty-training her three-year-old twins! (Well, one twin anyway...)

Check this out...

All you mini-van moms and wannabes...please watch this. Yes, it is my car, in case you were wondering!

Grooming Tips from J-man

So, my oldest child came in for his bedtime story smelling quite manly...


"What did you do in the bathroom?" I asked.


"Oh, I just used some of Dad's deodorant. And then I sprayed a little chlorine in my hair."


"Chlorine?"


"Yeah, you know that man-perfume Dad sometimes wears...like for weddings and funerals..."

Testosterone in Training

My eight year old's thoughts: "Girls always want to shop."

Me: "Don't guys ever like to shop?"

8-year-old: "Only for gear..."