Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Which Old Witch?

True confession. I have a witch who comes to visit me. Not just at Halloween, although she does seem particularly wicked this October. My personal witch comes on a very regular basis. A cyclical basis, if you know what I mean.

When she's in town, my children scurry around with slightly fearful looks on their faces. My husband tries to avoid eye contact and hides in his office as much as possible. He knows that an innocent "How's it going?" may result in foot stomping, drawer slamming, eye rolling and sarcastic exclamations.

It's not me. Promise. It's just that darn ol' witch. Does she come to your house too? Then maybe you know what I'm talking about.

I'm trying to embrace this evil enchantress. I want to know what makes her tick and how I can make her visit a little less harrowing. I'm learning slowly. Here's what I've discovered so far...

Aside from the obvious (swimsuit shopping and cross-country trips with small children), there are just certain events that should NOT be planned while Ms. Witch is in town:
  1. Changing a fitted sheet on the top mattress of a bunk bed.
  2. Looking between the sofa cushions in the family room. Ditto for children's closets, under beds and the third seat of the minivan.
  3. Making German pancakes for breakfast. I don't care if you DO have an extra dozen eggs. It is just way too much effort for the dark lady and even the teeniest of negative comments from a child or spouse will trigger a witchy cold spell guaranteed to hover over the kitchen for the remainder of the day.
  4. Listening to an eight-year-old's Party of the Year CD. Particularly Track 5--Cotton-eyed Joe.
  5. Helping a fifth-grader with fractions and decimals.
  6. Watching a husband pack for a four-day business trip. Unless, of course, you WANT to make it easier for him to leave. In that case, invite Witchy-poo to hop right in between the two of you on the bedspread. Oh! and encourage her to bring up the checking account.

On the other hand, Ms. Witch can be helpful in the following areas:

  1. Expressing displeasure on the phone to the special-ed transportation department regarding a child's bus schedule or lack thereof.
  2. Making killer desserts. She has a wicked sweet tooth.
  3. Doing intense housework. Sometimes heartless rage can work in your favor.
  4. Writing particularly whiny blog posts. Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Exhibit C.

This post is dedicated to the people who live with me and love me even when the witchlady comes to town. I think I owe them a killer dessert.

22 comments:

Annie said...

Our witches should get together and throw a (very emotional?) dessert party! With rich chocolate desserts, of course.

I so relate. Also, the dark witch at my house has insomnia during her visits. She's particularly pleasant on lack of sleep. But good for you for channeling her to do your assertive conversations and vigorous cleaning! I'm going to try that, too.

Amanda D said...

I'm glad she's at your place now because that means that she's not here! Hopefully not for a few weeks. ;)

polly said...

you are hilarious!!!!!

hannah :: sherbet blossom said...

you have a wicked witch staying at your house too? Glad I'm not the only one...

Annemarie said...

Yes, I can relate and so can my family (poor, poor souls.)

I think YOU deserve the fabulous dessert!

Cathy said...

Thanks for writing about me! Well and I guess a lot more of us!

Meg said...

That crazy witch came to my house this weekend and we are still recovering.

Christie said...

The only thing I'd add is that NO ONE, and I repeat NO ONE, should ever attribute the witch's appearance to anything related to the monthly cycle. She gets particularly ticked off if her presence is not justifiable by other things.

Even though it's not.

Just don't tell her that or bring it up.

Paige said...

Um, witches go away easily with the right meds. No one should have to suffer... Glad yours at least gets results.

Marci said...

That witch visits me regularly as well. I'll have to have Robb read your post so he can see I'm not the only one. And I've noticed that she gets a little bit witch-ier the older I get. I usually just explain that I can take all the regular ol' crap I have to deal with daily . . . until I just don't have the right hormones to deal anymore. And then everyone else will just have to deal . . .with me.

jessica said...

Your witch is way prettier than my witch.

I think they would be friends if my witch wasn't so antisocial when she shows up.

Lauren in GA said...

What did you mean by, "a cyclical basis"?

*blink* *blink*

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, I totally get it, now...

Just kidding, I got it right away. I belly laughed at #4 and Cotton
Eyed Joe.

My witch cries hysterically over nothing...and then becomes highly offended when everyone seems to handle her with kid gloves.

Will it sound trite if I tell you again what an amazing writer you are? I don't care. You are an amazing writer, Gabi.

diane said...

I bet you look good in black.

I've been eating pumpkin chocolate chip cookies for 3 days. My witch likes them. Pumpkin is healthy, right?

diane said...

My witch has hot flashes and night sweats. That makes her extra nasty.

the wrath of khandrea said...

here's a GREAT one:

one should never continue to sit and teach a group of 5th grade special ed boys and think to one's self, "it's two weeks before the witch is due. i don't need to run to the little witch's room to make sure i'm okay."

yeah. that's totally something one should not do.

Rochelleht said...

HA HA! Mine is here right now. Mine eats brownies for breakfast and creme brule' for a midnight snack. Then she leaves her pounds on me and packs up and scatters in the middle of the night. WAH!?

Robin said...

Sorry to tell you this, it has gotten worse as i get older. As soon as I notice that everyone around me is an absolute idiot, I know I'm gonna start my period any day.

Travelin'Oma said...

One day your witch won't come anymore. Then you'll realize you have learned the role so well, you can still be witchy without her. I think she's necessary, though, because a perfect person is boring.

calibosmom said...

Oh Gab! I adore you-this post made my day! Sometimes I wish we all traveled around and had our own Red Tents. My sisters and I want to buy an apartment and call it "The Maxi Pad".

Hollyween said...

Hey, that same witch seems to visit my house too! Especially when I'm taking even fertility drugs. Then she likes to visit in FULL FORCE.

My favorite witch-y mention was the changing of the top sheet in the bunk bed. It left a visual and made me laugh.

Jenibelle said...

We've always called our visiting witch Aunt Flo. She's an in-law aunt which makes it worse. She doesn't like it when she finds half-full sodas in the fridge, Sunday clothes wadded in corners on Wednesday, or husbands who whine.

Jessica said...

I'm kind of lucky in that I don't get very witchy, but I just finished a gnarly (and successful) diet that apparently took it's toll.

After about a month, Ryan says: "Jess, you are just plain meaner these days."

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