When she's in town, my children scurry around with slightly fearful looks on their faces. My husband tries to avoid eye contact and hides in his office as much as possible. He knows that an innocent "How's it going?" may result in foot stomping, drawer slamming, eye rolling and sarcastic exclamations.
It's not me. Promise. It's just that darn ol' witch. Does she come to your house too? Then maybe you know what I'm talking about.
I'm trying to embrace this evil enchantress. I want to know what makes her tick and how I can make her visit a little less harrowing. I'm learning slowly. Here's what I've discovered so far...
Aside from the obvious (swimsuit shopping and cross-country trips with small children), there are just certain events that should NOT be planned while Ms. Witch is in town:
- Changing a fitted sheet on the top mattress of a bunk bed.
- Looking between the sofa cushions in the family room. Ditto for children's closets, under beds and the third seat of the minivan.
- Making German pancakes for breakfast. I don't care if you DO have an extra dozen eggs. It is just way too much effort for the dark lady and even the teeniest of negative comments from a child or spouse will trigger a witchy cold spell guaranteed to hover over the kitchen for the remainder of the day.
- Listening to an eight-year-old's Party of the Year CD. Particularly Track 5--Cotton-eyed Joe.
- Helping a fifth-grader with fractions and decimals.
- Watching a husband pack for a four-day business trip. Unless, of course, you WANT to make it easier for him to leave. In that case, invite Witchy-poo to hop right in between the two of you on the bedspread. Oh! and encourage her to bring up the checking account.
On the other hand, Ms. Witch can be helpful in the following areas:
- Expressing displeasure on the phone to the special-ed transportation department regarding a child's bus schedule or lack thereof.
- Making killer desserts. She has a wicked sweet tooth.
- Doing intense housework. Sometimes heartless rage can work in your favor.
- Writing particularly whiny blog posts. Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Exhibit C.