Friday, January 25, 2008

Heartbreaker

The Heartbreak Kid and Me...this morning
Does every mom have a Heartbreak Kid? Mine is 4'3" and about 65 lbs. He is barely nine and still has more baby teeth than permanent.
The first time his cries broke my heart happened the night we brought him home. His two-day-old fingernails looked a little long and scratchy, so I got out my gleaming new pair of baby clippers and, feeling very motherly, started to snip. Of course, I got a little overconfident by the third finger, trimmed a little too close and drew blood. I had been his mom for less than 12 hours and already I'd made him cry. Heartbreaking.
Having a kid with special needs means letting your heart get broken over and over again. The first time you notice a difference. The first time the school calls home. The first and second and third time someone points a finger on the playground.
Today my heart broke a little at a meeting with the school. I'd had high hopes for placement in a "typical" classroom next year. And, while nothing has officially been decided, the staff gently, kindly let me know this might not be the best option. Maybe I had been overly optimistic. And, even though I'm a big believer in the power of positive thinking, there are times when looking on the bright side doesn't solve the problem at hand.
All I know is that when the Lord sent me my H.B. Kid, He also poured an extra portion of motherlove into my heart. The problem is that sometimes there are troubles even a double-dose of motherlove can't fix.
And now there is a permanent hole in my heart.

19 comments:

Annie said...

Beautifully, eloquently, heartbreakingly said. You're a gem, Gabi.

Bridget said...

Yes what Annie said. Oh, that must be so hard to see other kids being mean on the playground and not to have teachers on your side of things. But like you said, you have that extra dose of love so you can do it!

Mique said...

So well written. I have my own HB kid. You summed up my feelings exactly. And my heart breaks for you too because I know how your heart breaks.
I'm gearing up for J's IEP on the 5th.
And you're the mom, if you really think that he should be mainstreamed, then fight for what you know is right. Even if it's only for part of the day it could make a big difference to Jake....
Hugs.:)

crystal said...

I know how you must feel, only because every mother's heart breaks when we can't shield our kids from the darts that other kids sling at them :(

So I can only imagine how that feeling is compounded with a special needs cutie.

What a rollercoaster you must constantly be on, with assessments and such.

And--I agree with Mique's last sentence. Part of the day?...

You are an amazing mom.

marta said...

i'm sorry, gab. what a disappointing thing to hear. jake is growing by leaps and bounds and has accomplished so much.. he has parents who are so proud of him, love him so much too. he is one lucky guy. i know you'll make the best decision with this situation, even if it is very very hard. you're not alone.

Kendon said...

You truly have such a beautiful heart. Thanks for sharing a bit of it with us today. I hope it helps fill the hole.

Rochelleht said...

Ditto ditto ditto.

Gotta love school meetings. It's so tough.

You are so right when you say we live parallel lives. Love ya, girl!

Celia Fae said...

I have a HB kid, but the HB is my problem, not hers. Sometimes it seems like it is all I can do not to push it onto her. I guess that is what parenting is.

mama jo said...

he will teach you and you will teach him....you'll both turn out great...

Jake n Isabel's Mom said...

Try to keep in mind to remember it's times like this that will make us appreciate all the little accomplishments that happen everyday with our kids. Little consolation right now so just know I share your heartbreak and sending you love and hugs over the wires.

Lauren said...

I know I sound like a porverbial, "broken record" because I tell you so often how beautifully your posts are written. Well, broken record or not, I just have to tell you how beautiful that was.
I have a sister with mental retardation. Sometimes I weep when I realize how hard things are for her. I can't imagine how wonderful it will be when she is resurrected, and has all of her faculties about her.
Thank you for this post.

martha corinna said...

So beautiful.
I relate a little. We are still waiting for the University of Utah to evaluate our daughter for autism. But in the meantime, I see her struggle as she interacts with other children. She has the inability to be flexible. Anyway, it is hard to find the balance between being helpful and not being overprotective.
You are such a beautiful mother, and your writings are very inspiring.

Polly said...

As hard as it gets, we were picked to be our children's moms. You are such a strong person and perfect for your little guy..so go forward with confidence, because what you and your husband choose for this child will be right, because you have love and righteous intentions in your heart.

Stie: My Favorite Things said...

I can't imagine a more loving mom for J than you. You were made to love him. He's a great kid. Hang in there!

katie said...

miss gabi... I myself have one of those special needs children. His name is Jared. He is and always will be my baby (even though my 'baby' is 2 and a half years younger than him). He has changed my world. AND I WOULDN'T GIVE HIM UP OR EVER IN MY LIFE CHANGE A THING ABOUT HIM IF I EVER HAD TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

Have you ever read the story about what it's like to have a special needs child? Google it. My sister found it for me one day. I can't read it aloud without crying. Because I get it. I understand. You will too. I actually found it on a blogger site, sorry for the long post, but check it out, I promise you'll love it...

http://mommusings-allison.blogspot.com/2007/06/holland-v-italy.html

Jessica said...

It is such a blessing to have this world of blogging, where I get to not only know of differences among people, but here their day to day feelings about those differences. Thanks so much for helping to know and love better the difference around me.

lainakay said...

Aww Gabi. As usual, thought provoking and beautifully written. It's so difficult when our beautiful, perfect children have to be sized-up and measured by outsiders.

John Holly Levi & Faith said...

perfect post. You always know just how to say it. The hardest thing for me would be the other kids on the playground. My mamma bear personality comes out and I get really defensive and want to pop the other kids one.
I have a HB nephew who's situation is extreme. I think my sister is going to be translated one day. She is such a perfect mother and caregiver to him.

Just as I'm sure YOU are.

AJ said...

Maybe there's a hole, but your heart is huge.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...